Yesterday I celebrated my 44th birthday and it was the best birthday that I’ve had in years. I think it was because I celebrated with intention. I didn’t celebrate for my husband or son, friends or family. It sounds horrible to say that because really I feel blessed to have all of those people in my life. But what I realized yesterday is that it is so critical to honor your “birth” day in the way that serves your highest self. If that means being alone, that means being alone. For me, it meant time with my husband and son for Sunday brunch, taking a workshop at a local studio, Naam Yoga, to learn about my ruling planets in Kabbalah astrology and having dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant with a dear friend. And of course, cake. It was pretty much a perfect day. For the first time in many years, it felt like my special day. But I had to stand up for it. I had to be “selfish,” which for most women is a concept that terrifies us. When we were young, there was no question and certainly no shame that our birthday was all about us. We ran around the house screaming and excited because it was OUR DAY and knowing we were going to have a party and presents and our favorite meal made by mom. And if you didn’t have that in your youth, even more reason to celebrate yourself now.
Yesterday morning I slept late and when I finally got up I was sent back to my bedroom by my son so he could finish making my birthday card. I happily took the opportunity to get back into bed with my coffee and new iPhone 6. I got on Instagram and the birthday message came through loud and clear. You are allowed to change.
I knew this message was for me because I believe in all things cosmic and intentional. I had some hesitation to the message at first glance. I ascribe to the concept that we don’t change. I am in love with the idea that we are born in our perfect imperfection and that there is freedom in knowing every last detail about who we are, why we are and how we are without caving into the notion that we have to become something else in order to be happy or fulfilled.
But this was different. This message longed for a deeper understanding from me, a different understanding that my stubborn, unchanging self needed to embrace. It was permission. It was actually an invitation on my birthday from my soul to entertain the idea that there is also freedom in allowing yourself to be something higher, something greater and something other than you can even perceive at the present moment. It was an invitation to recognize that not only am I allowed to change, but that I can allow change.
The more I let that sink in, the more clear it became how applicable it is to my life at this time. It means honoring the change that is healthy and inevitable. In reality, there is always change, always forward momentum in our lives if we honor and allow.
I learned in the workshop that my ruling planet is the window through which I view the world and my daily controller planet is the engine that drives me. Both are the moon for me. The gorgeous, ever-changing moon. It is no surprise to me that I am influenced so heavily by the force that rules the subconscious and the emotional, sensitive, idealistic, dream-heavy and harmonious aspects of life. These traits are very similar to my Libra astrology sun sign. But the new information is that I am ruled by the master of fluctuation, mutability and constant change. I am so often in awe of the divine’s ability to teach me new things about myself when I am ready.
If I am honest, I have always had difficulty saying goodbye, letting go when relationships, habits no longer serve me and holding on so tight for the ride. Here I am now, arriving at mid-life with a new rich lesson. I am allowed to be just as the moon is. There is something so immense about that.
My goal this year is to keep as open as possible. To let go a bit more. To change even when it’s scary and to be nothing less than everything I AM.